The Elimination Process
By the way, there’s mass-shooting you haven’t heard about. A Sudanese immigrant went into a church and shot seven people, before one of the ushers (who had a permit for his own weapon) stopped the attempted massacre.
Strangely, it’s not leading the 24-hour news cycle, nor is it fodder for the spiritual leaders of our time (Stephen Colbert and Jimmy Kimmel were too busy helping Chuck Schummer propagandize about the need for pre-socialized medicine to address it).
But in case you were asking yourself, “Hey, I heard that Gunz are Teh Badz. Why aren’t my leading moral lights telling me about this outrage?”, allow me to go through the Elimination Process that the good folks at Pravda Central undertake on your behalf to make sure you are never confronted with unsettling and unapproved news.
The Elimination Process, straight from the super-secret JournoList handbook, is revealed here for the first time(the contents will surprise no one who has actually been paying attention).
Checklist for Reporting a Mass Shooting:
1) Race of Mass Shooter:
If yes, immediately decry gun culture and easy access to weapons in the United States, while repeating the race of the Shooter
If yes, obscure, elide, or ignore. In no instance will you refer to the misguided victim as “Mass Shooter.” Exception A) Black shooter murdering other black citizens must be counted as “mass-shooting” statistics (see earlier guidance about Gun Culture and a mass-shooting every day), but must never be considered a “crime” story. There is no black-on-black crime, because “Black Lives Matter” only as long as they are slain by the police.
a. If White Shooter and victims of color:
Initiate editorials, thought pieces, and facilitate “peaceful demonstrations” to ensure every reader/listener knows that Amerika is a racist country, and the Republican Devil du Jour (as of Nov 8, 2016 = Donald Trump, #NotMyPresident, per current AP standards) is the one who caused this, because people of color have no control over their own lives and are helpless victims of the Man.
b. If Black alleged Shooter and victims of pallor
At no time will the story be national news (see Party Wisdom Protocol #1b., above)
3) Identifying Characteristics of the Shooter:
a. If there is anything about the Shooter that can possibly be ascribed to:
Conservative political beliefs (Tea Party, Republican, NRA), religious bigotry (known to have attended a Christian church at least once in their life), or racism (has been accused of traveling through Alabama, Mississippi, or any other other Southern state while not wearing a Pussy-hat), those facts (unsubstantiated innuendo is acceptable and encouraged) will be repeated at least 647 times in the first 96 hours of our trial and conviction of the Racist Conservative Bigot. Note: if legal department demands clear evidence, retractions of cis-heteronormative patriarchal “facts” will appear no less than 20 pages inside the local section, just under the obituaries. Video and web-speakers of the truth are exempt.
b. If alleged Shooter is:
Black, Immigrant (*Undocumented Valiant Struggler Against Racism), a follower of Mohammed (*Peace Be Upon Him), Female (*self-identified, pronouns as demanded), Transexual, GenderFluid, Lactose-Intolerant, easily triggered, and especially if they are afraid of clowns, refer to Party Wisdom Protocol #2b. (For questions about Furries and those in long-term relationships with organic produce, please contact your local chapter of the Democratic National Convention for additional guidance)
4) Mass Shooter was stopped by an individual with a legal gun:
Immediately implement Party Wisdom Doctrine #2b. We repeat: At no time will any story about a legal weapon stopping “criminal” activity become national news.
And there you have it. The simple, clear, and objective guidelines our
Masters friends in the media follow to ensure that Only The News You Need to Know Is Ever Published. In the process, they help eliminate incorrect truths from body politic so you don’t have to worry your pretty little head about them.